Hair today, gone tomorrow

Hair...it is something that many of us care about - we spend a lot of time fixing it, spend a lot of money cutting, coloring, highlighting, putting product in it etc.  We talk about our bed head, bad hair days, good hair days, and who has the newest hair style and if it looks good or not.  I love a good hair-do, I loved having long hair, and there is nothing better than a good ponytail.  When you get chemo it destroys all rapidly growing cells.  Unfortunately, that includes hair.  Today I lost mine for the second time....most likely for good.

When I was diagnosed in 2013 I knew I would lose my hair right away.  I remember not really caring about that part - I knew I would go through some intense treatment and then it would be all over and my hair would grow back.  I was more concerned about getting rid of that darn tumor.  I decided that I would throw a head shaving party - I was in "keep busy" mode because if I stayed busy I didn't have time to actually digest the fact that I had cancer.  We had ice cream sundaes, cupcakes, lemonade, pictures, and lots of great people that came to support me and shave their heads with me.  It was a great and overwhelming day.  Here are some of the highlights:

 
It was so nice to have all the support from friends, family and neighbors.  I was surprised that there were so many who shaved.  I sure did feel the love that day and knew I wasn't in the fight on my own.  Here is some video footage as well:  Part one and two.

                                      

Today there was no pomp and circumstance.  There were no cupcakes or ice cream.  As I showered this morning, washing my hair for the last time tears rolled down my face - partly because I wasn't ready for this loss again and partly because my feet hurt so bad from the chemo that to stand on the tile in the shower was almost unbearable.

This was what came out after brushing my hair this morning.

We went to my nephew's baptism which was awesome, ate lunch at my brother's and then my sister-in-law shaved it off...with just a few family members this time.  This time was so much harder than the first time.  It was hard to have courage today, I didn't feel brave at all today.  I felt angry and defeated and sad.  Just when I think I'm used to the idea of this cancer being back, reality gives me a swift kick in the rear and I realize that I may never be used to the idea of this cancer being back.  My life is so different than it was just 6 months ago...how I wish I could go back and make all of this go away. Even though today was super tough - of course my son Dylan was right by my side shaving his head with me.  He is such a great kid!  He is my rock, someone whom I can always count on to be right by my side.

Cute Lincoln - was baptized today

My before shaving picture

That's about the fakest real smile I could muster.

This is a great look Dylan

After

So there you have it...I'm not gonna lie, it sucked...cancer sucks.  Being bald probably isn't the worst thing in the world, but for today and maybe a few more days, it feels like it is.  Now everyone will know by my outward appearance that I'm sick.  I hate the feeling of people staring at you, you look at them and they look away and then you see them look back again.  Yes people...I'm bald...no need to stare.  I'm going to have to rock this look for a while so everyone should have a good long time to get used to it.

Be brave, my heart. Have courage, my soul.

Tiffany