You're a professional, what???

I haven't posted in a while...this is for a reason.  I've had a rough couple of weeks, maybe not so much physically - although chemo side effects have not been pleasurable, but emotionally - let's just say I've been a hot mess.  :)  I've had some life changing decisions that needed to be made, and I'm not sure I was quite ready to face actually making them...

At the end of March when we realized the first treatment wasn't working and my disease was progressing I had to actually face the fact that my 2 year saving grace only lasted 4 months and my prognosis suddenly became worse. This was a hard pill to swallow as I thought I had at least 2 years before having to make any difficult decisions.  When I sat down and had "the talk" with Dr. Litton we discussed my disease and working, trying to stay healthy, having treatment, taking care of my family, the whole nine yards.  We discussed going on long term disability and he suggested it may be time to stop working and become a "professional patient."  A professional patient...WHAT???  Why was he saying this?  I'm a professional healthcare worker...I've had a job since I was 8 years old.  At one point in my life I was 8 months pregnant and working almost 2 full time jobs.  I have been a nurse for 23 years taking care of all kinds of patients...patients who are pregnant, new moms, newborns, pediatric patients with every kind of disease you can think of, cute cancer kids for most of my career. I've been a home health nurse, a charge nurse, an assistant nurse manager, a supervisor of nurse coordinators, a nurse care manager.  At 8 years old I was babysitting for neighbors until I turned 16 and worked and McDonalds, Olan Mills, 7-11 and Shopko through high school. When I was in college I worked early mornings cleaning the music building @ Rick's College, taught piano lessons, and worked in the library to get myself through nursing school - which I graduated from in 1993.  I  worked full time as a single mom and went to school full time to earn my Bachelor's degree in 2009.  I have always been proud of myself for being mostly self-sufficient and working hard to make ends meet for me and my 4 children.  I have loved being a nurse and although I haven't worked in pediatric oncology since I was diagnosed in 2013 - it is where I left my heart, and will always be my most favorite job.  Working at Primary Children's Hospital has brought so many special people into my life, patients, parents and coworkers - many of which are still a part of my life.

So...I had a short window of time to apply for long term disability with Mayo Clinic...18 days to get all the paperwork in and for them to review it and make a decision.  They told me it would be a 45 day process.  If they didn't approve it I would still have my job with Intermountain, but wouldn't be eligible for any type of short or long term leave for 1 year. So...I did what I have done a lot the last several years - I said lots of prayers and hoped everything would work out. On exactly the 18th day Mayo let me know I would be approved for long term disability.  This would mean that all my benefits would be covered exactly the same, my kids are still covered under the same insurance and I still retain my life insurance.  I know that this happening is not a coincidence - I can see the Lord's hand in all of it. Even through some of these dark hours, He is still watching out for me, he knows my needs and the need for my kids to be taken care of.

 So, now I guess I'm a professional patient and have been for a couple of weeks.  It seems surreal and I have to figure out what this new title means. I need to find a new normal and a way to stay busy so I don't lose my mind.  I saw Dr. Litton again on Tuesday (2 days ago) and told him I'm not very good at being a professional patient so it would be fine for him to pull out his magic bullet, or pill or magic wand that will fix all of this so things can go back to normal.  I'm pretty sure he is going to get sick of seeing me so much, but I will never get sick of seeing him.  He is pretty much my favorite doctor - of all time.

My breakfast...gag

So, I have finished my first round of Xeloda.  Here is what I think of it so far...

Pros:
It is a pill
It better be killing my cancer
I only have to take it for 2 weeks and then have a glorious 7 days off.
I can't think of any other pros right now...

Cons:
My nausea is very unpredictable - even with consistent anti-nausea meds.  Some days I'm fine, some days I feel like laying in bed all day and just wanting to throw up to feel better.
It's more pills to take - I think I'm starting to develop a pill swallowing aversion - ugh...I used to be able to take pills without problems but now I gag every time I do - I remember watching my cute cancer kids do the same thing.
It makes my mouth super tender - but yay for no mouth sores this round (tiny miracles).
My feet are super sore...I liken it to "stepping on a lego"  If you have ever stepped on a lego, or a sharp rock - this is what it feels like on the entire surface of both of my feet when I walk.  OUCH!!
I find myself short tempered, grumpy, impatient and intolerant of things I can usually handle.  I had to apologize a couple of times for being mean...I hate that because I'm not a mean person - most days.

I'm still having a difficult time breathing.  Walking short distances makes my breathing sound like I ran a marathon.  I still cough a lot - although I'm trying to talk myself into thinking that it is getting a little better.  So not being able to breathe or walk bought me these:

The gal at the DMV said "this should make your life a little easier" as she handed them to me.  Tears immediately filled my eyes, as I would rather not have to be in the circumstance to need these.  I wish I could get those darn tears under control - they just spring up out of nowhere sometimes.  The words that stand out to me in this picture are "permanent" and "expires" - reminding me that my condition is permanent and hopefully I won't expire before this placard does.

Today has actually been a better day - my feet hurt less and I wasn't sick at all - I was able to run some errands and not feel like I was a total unproductive sloth.

I'm looking forward to the next 5 days being off chemo and feeling more normal - I'm hoping to be able to go the tulip festival on Saturday pending good weather.  I'm thankful for wonderful friends and family that keep checking in on me to make sure I have everything I need and see if there is anything they can do to help.  The world is full of amazing people - God keeps putting them in my path reminding me that I'm not alone in this battle.  I am one blessed momma "getting by with a little help from my friends."

Be brave, my heart. Have courage, my soul.

Tiffany

8 Days

It has been one whole week since I have started my chemo.  8 days.  The side effects have been tolerable for the most part.  I'm mostly just nauseated all day and feel tired - which is to be expected. I was hoping as time went by, the nausea would be less.  Today seems to be the worst - luckily I only have 6 days left until I get a week off.  I was reading more about my chemo the other day and I found out that Xeloda is  5'-deoxy-5-fluorouridine (5'-DFUR) which is converted to 5-fluorouracil in the cell.  We used 5-fluorouracil IV when I worked in pediatrics.  We always called it 5-FU because it's much easier than the real name. I had to chuckle a little bit when I realized I was taking 5-FU.  I always felt a little weird when I had to say it out loud.  Now I just think of it as a 5 finger FU to my cancer cells.  That may be a little vulgar for some of you, but I guess it is what it is - I didn't name the darn thing.

I was told that it may take some time for this chemo to start working - I may not see any decrease in my cough or pain until possibly into the second cycle, which is about 5-6 weeks.  I am trying to listen to my body and not imagine things (I'm trying not to be crazy or neurotic) but I feel like this chemo is already starting to do something.  Last week on Wednesday I was having the same symptoms that took me to the emergency room a week and a half ago....increased cough, more shortness of breath and horrible pain on the right side.  I called Dr. Litton's office so I could get another thoracentesis to relieve the symptoms, preferably on Friday so I didn't have to go through the ED again.  Everything was arranged and although I didn't want to go, I would rather breathe, so I was glad it was scheduled. Thursday evening I realized it was easier to breathe and the pain was less.  When I woke up Friday morning I felt even better.  I wasn't sure that I even needed the thoracentesis anymore, but I went just in case there still was a lot of fluid built up and I was just tolerating it better.  When they did the ultrasound they said there was still some fluid in there, but it was less than they drained the previous week.  Hopefully this means that this chemo is actually getting in there and doing something!  I can handle the nausea and the other side effects that come along as long as it is in there killing the cancer.

This is LeEtta - she was kind enough to drive me to my procedure but was much more interested in facebook than entertaining me. :)

I love this quote from Helen Keller - I certainly have had plenty of opportunities to learn how to be brave and patient. I have to tell you that I do love experiencing joy - hopefully there will be more joy to come.  We had a fun dinner on Sunday at my brother Jeremy's house.  It is always good to get together with family - kids are always full of joy and energy - it did my heart some good.  I love my family!

All in all, it has been a pretty good week. Here's to many more good weeks!

Be brave, my heart. Have courage, my soul.

Tiffany

Cancer Killers

Well, my new chemo arrived in the mail yesterday about 1030 am.  I have been anxiously waiting for this to get pre-authorized and in my hands so the cancer killing can begin.  This drug is called Xeloda and I am praying this will be the drug to get this malignancy under control.  Because it is powerful in killing cancer cells, it does come with it's fair share of side effects.  The most common are nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, mouth sores, hand/foot syndrome (this is where your hands and feet become sore, blister, and slough off - I can't wait for that one!) hair thinning and fatigue.  Oh the joys of chemotherapy.  I will take 4 pills in the am and 5 pills in the pm.

$4064.36 for 14 days worth of pills...thank you insurance for paying for my chemo!

My friend at work, LeEtta said that eating chocolate before and after taking chemo would make it work better.  I think I will have to agree with her!! :) Chocolate helps everything.

So, down the hatch with the morning dose.  Before they went down I had a little talk with those 4 pills in my hand .  I told them that they were going to go in and be my cancer killers, I wasn't going to be sick and I wasn't going to have any side effects.  I'm a big believer in positive thinking and letting my body know that I am in charge and this cancer is going down!  Too bad about 2 hours later my body forgot that it wasn't supposed to be nauseated...ugh...

Still trying to be my most brave self...still have the motto of "fake it til you make it..."  

Be brave, my heart. Have courage, my soul.

Tiffany

Small Miracles

I was discharged from the hospital Sunday afternoon when my procedure was completed.  For the thoracentesis they ended up putting in a 5 french catheter since there was more fluid to drain this time  At first they weren't going to do it because  in the spot where they wanted to insert the needle/catheter my lung would flap in and out of the space. This was very comforting to hear knowing that popping my lung was a possibility.  If I could take a deep breath and hold it long enough without coughing, Melissa (the PA doing the procedure) would feel comfortable getting it in the right spot.  This was no easy feat as I was constantly coughing, I couldn't take a deep breath without severe pain, and if I did take a deep breath I would start coughing.  I said a little prayer, and by some small miracle I was able to hold a deep breath and not cough.  She inserted the catheter without problems and the draining began.  They were able to drain about 350cc of yellow fluid rather quickly.  As the fluid in my lung decreased I could feel the catheter rubbing against my lung as it expanded and deflated. It was a quite uncomfortable and icky feeling. The catheter was removed  and I could finally breathe without coughing and without pain.  Again - a small miracle that seemed mighty to me.

Prior to going down to my procedure I had a lovely visitor bring me breakfast and a much needed beverage,,,1/2 coke-1/2 diet coke that tasted like nectar from the Gods. I was bored just sitting and waiting with nothing happening and starving because the hospital food was terrible.  Jodi always knows how to brighten my day and she was another small miracle. We both ate breakfast in my hospital bed and she even helped a homeless guy before stopping by - she has a heart of gold!!

Deliciousness...

My life saver for the morning!

Since my right arm has lymphedema it cannot be used for blood pressure taking or any type of IV's or needle sticks.  The veins in my left arm are not awesome.  I ended up having to get an IV and several pokes for various different labs.  It was a miracle they were able to get everything they needed with my limited veins.

Not exactly the best place to have an IV, but so blessed that it worked the entire time and didn't have to be restarted.

So bored...thankful for oxygen to help me breathe!!

Also, a big shout out to my mom who met me at the hospital - went home to grab all my things, ran back out to the hospital, went back out to Bountiful to stay with my Grandma over night and then also picked up Dylan after midnight at work.  She is my every day miracle - always there at a minute's notice. I felt bad for her because I knew she had a lot to do this past weekend and she had to drop everything to help me.  I try to be independent and have a hard time accepting help from others but couldn't have made it without her this weekend.  I also felt bad because she always tries to be so brave in front of me but she did get a little teary and told me how much she hated seeing me go through all the pain and procedures.  I don't like to see other people in pain because of me - it adds another layer of guilt to all the guilt I already feel.

A big thank you to everyone who helped me this weekend - those mentioned above, my sweet friend Anna who took Dylan to work, LeEtta that has run my kids all over the place, everyone who called, texted, fasted, and prayed in my behalf - because of you I was able to experience all these small miracles this weekend.  This world is full of such kind and loving people and I'm so grateful I know so many of them. 

One of the best miracles of all was to talk to my son Parker, Sunday night.  We had a wonderful conversation and he said so many things that brought a little bit of peace to my soul.  I love my kids with all my heart - they are my most precious miracles.

Be brave, my heart. Have courage, my soul.

Tiffany

Sleeping With The Enemy

When I first found my tumor it was about 3cm, within the 3 week's time it took to get mammograms, ultrasounds, MRI's, a biopsy and see the Oncologist it grew to 10cm.  It was huge - and I had a lot of anxiety feeling it grow as we were working through starting treatment.  I just wanted this foreign object cut out of my body right away.  Dr. Litton explained that it was too big to resect at that time and we would have to shrink it with chemotherapy first.  It really caused a lot of angst and anxiety for me knowing this cancerous tumor would have to live inside my body...with me.  Even though it took drastic measures - chemo and a mastectomy, it was a relief to have it gone.

When the beast came back I felt that anxiety again, and still do knowing that it is doing it's damage as best it can.  When I lay down at night I joke that I have my own personal symphony orchestrating a new song due to all the wheezing, crackling, and weird noises my lungs make.  Even on good days the noise is still a reminder that I'm sleeping with the enemy.

Last night I was having a dream that I had this incredibly painful feeling in my side and I was yelling "help me, help me."  What I realized as I became conscious, was that I did have a horrible pain on my right side - rib cage area and I was yelling "help me!"  Good thing I didn't wake anyone up.  I was very short of breath, in fact I felt like I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't get comfortable, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't take a deep breath and I couldn't stop coughing. I somehow got through to morning and got up and started my day hoping things would get better.  For some reason I thought mowing the lawn might help - but I realized that might not have been the best idea.  I thought if I just powered through- it would go away. (that is the Christensen mentality after all)  Mowing the lawn definitely wasn't the cure.  I attended my cousin's son's baptism which was awesome because they live in Washington and I hardly ever get to see them.  As I was sitting through the meeting, I could tell I was in trouble. I ended up leaving a little earlier than I wanted to and thought I would go home and lay down, but I found myself at the emergency room instead.  I don't know if you have ever not been able to breathe, but it's a little scary - then you get panicky.. and then you can't breathe even more...and then you get more panicky - you can see where I'm going with this. I didn't want to spend my day in the ED...

I bought myself an IV, labs, chest xray, chest CT with contrast to rule out a clot and a nasal swab to make sure I didn't have some type of flu. My nurse Justin joked that I got "all the prizes" today.  I asked him what the best prize was and he said a turkocet.  I found out this is a turkey sandwich and a percocet.  Hmmm...I wonder why I didn't get that prize?  That sounds better than any of my prizes. :)

Lucky enough to get the xray brought to me...

Not lucky that my xray looked so bad.  This xray plus the results of the CT scan bought me an admission to the hospital for IV antibiotics - I could possibly have pneumonia and they are going to drain the fluid around my lung in the morning.  They also drew blood cultures "just in case".

I met Dr. Call tonight - he is the Oncologist on call that works with Dr. Litton.  He is not convinced I have pneumonia - he thinks it is the cancer. I immediately liked him because I felt the same way. He was super nice and said he thought Dr. Litton's plan was a good one - so then I liked him even better.

This is my room - I'm pretty sure it used to be a very small closet that was converted into a room. I feel like I'm in a shoe box.Literaly the right side of my bed is basically against the wall and the garbage can on the left side of the bed is where the other wall is.  I sure hope I don't code because I'm pretty sure the crash cart wont fit in here.  Hopefully I will be going home tomorrow after they drain my pleural effusion (and you know I can hardly wait for that one again.)  I'm afraid since there is more fluid, they will stick a bigger catheter in this time so it can drain quickly.  I'm not gonna lie...I feel like crying about that!

It's been a long day, and I'm ready for a good night's rest, however we all know there is no sleep when you are in the hospital.  It's 10:45pm and I haven't seen my night nurse yet.  Shift started at 7pm - good thing I can take care of myself...I wonder if I even have a nurse??

Be brave, my heart. Have courage, my soul...

Tiffany

What do you mean it isn't working?

Back in November when the dreaded cancer came back (also known as "recurrence") there was a fairly new drug on the market to treat the type of  recurrent breast cancer I have.  I was told it was even pulled from the study early because they were having such great success with it.  This drug, Ibrance or Palbociclib in combination with Letrozole - another drug to help block the production of estrogen, has been shown to stop the progression of disease for up to 2 years.  This has been an exciting break through in treatment, and I was glad it was available to me!  After the first three cycles another PET/CT scan was done on Feb. 12, 2016 to see if there was any progress.  At this time my cough was barely present and the bone pain in my back and hips had decreased, so symptom-wise things were better. The scan showed that all my original spots were stable, or slightly decreased.  The large lesion on my right hip had significantly decreased.  However, there were a few new spots that lit up - one in my left femur, more lymph involvement in my left lung and a couple more spots on my left hip and sacrum.  At this point my AZ Oncologist was "pleased with the results so far."  I was puzzled as there were clearly new spots on the scan that weren't there initially.  He explained that sometimes the cancer cells can be in those spots just brewing, but once they are hit with therapy they get irritated/inflamed and will light up.  He made sure to let me know that this is why doctors read the scans and patients shouldn't draw their own conclusions.  I do agree with that, but I have been a nurse for 23 years and feel like I do have some idea of what something looks like that may be concerning...Anywho, we left the office with "good news" but still, I had that feeling in my stomach, the nagging one that is telling you something is just not right. 10 days later we were on our way back to Utah with a Uhaul filled to the brink.  There are so many things I love about Arizona, the most important being my sister and her family, but after many long prayers I had the feeling that I needed to move back to Utah as I still had 2 children there that I wanted needed to be close to.

Fast forward to March 25, 2016 - my first appointment with Dr. Litton since I moved back to Utah.  I always love going to see him.  He takes as much time as you need and he answers every question you have without feeling like he has to hurry up to see his next patient.  He is good and kind and so so smart.  No matter how bad things are, he has a way of calming my nerves and making me feel better. 2 weeks prior to seeing him my cough started becoming worse again, the pain in my back was increasing and the right side of my neck was tender.  I sort of thought it was sore muscles in my neck, but I was wrong...it was a lymphnode that was bigger than it should be.  I was having difficulty breathing, shortness of breath and I swear it was all I could do to walk up one measly flight of stairs at work every day.  I know I'm out of shape, but I didn't think I was THAT out of shape.  After a long discussion the phrase I took away from our visit was "I can't say I'm not concerned." He was afraid the magical miracle drug combo that was supposed to work for 2 years had stopped working after 4 months.  So he ordered a CT scan to see what the heck was going on in my lungs.  March 28th I was scanned with contrast and I met with Dr. Litton again on the 31st.  There were some minor changes in the lung lymphatics where my cancer is hanging out, but most importantly I had bilateral pleural effusions...the reason I can't breathe!  So for those of you who don't know what a pleural effusion is, here is a little lesson:

Fluid can build up between the lung and the chest wall -it causes compression on your lung and makes it difficult to breathe.  It also, by the way, is painful and when you lay on your side it feels like you just might die...  This is what it looks like on an xray:

I don't have a picture of mine, but it isn't quite as bad as this one looks. And I have fluid on both sides.

So, we had another long discussion.  Really, there should be no reason I would have a pleural effusion...except if the cancer is causing it. Since cancer is a sneaky, mutating, insidious, son of a motherless goat - Dr. Litton wanted to get a biopsy and see if things have changed.  The first option was to do a needle biopsy of my neck lymphnode and if that wasn't possible he wanted a sample of the fluid around my lung.  This is called a thoracentesis.  I have seen this done on numerous occasions and would gladly choose to never participate in this type of activity.  Sticking a needle through your ribs, muscle, cartilage and into that fluid space next to your lung is not my idea of fun times.  However, the only way to know how to treat the beast was to get a sample of something so it can be tested.

I was scheduled the next day, April Fools day, (no joke) for the fun to begin.  They did an ultrasound on my neck lympnode and decided it was too risky to try for the node as it was wedged in between my jugular vein and carotid artery...2 large blood vessels that you don't want to mess with.  So, it was to be that the thoracentesis was inevitable.  Ugh...My cute doctor that I work with at the clinic, Dr. Kernan was so kind to suggest I take some valium prior to the procedure.  I would have rather had some ketamine and versed, but apparently, they only use this on kids to sedate for procedures.  I guess adults are just supposed to be tough and bite the bullet.  If you have to have a procedure, you should hope you are in a children's hospital...conscious sedation is a lovely thing. This is what it looks like...and it doesn't feel good at all - even with valium on board and lots of lidocaine.

They were able to pull some fluid off - unfortunately there were several pockets of fluid so they weren't able to get a lot out with one poke which I wanted so I could breathe, but I didn't want to be poked more than once.  30cc of yellow fluid was withdrawn and sent to be tested.

I met again with Dr. Litton yesterday for the results and the plan.  The bad news is that the fluid was full of cancer cells.  The good news is that it is still breast cancer and not some additional cancer, and that there were plenty of cells to test.  If there were not enough, or no cancer cells I would have had to get the neck lymphnode cut out by an ENT to test it.  Unfortunately they had sent the cell blocks to ARUP for further testing and the results of the receptors that we wanted weren't back yet.  So, here is what we know so far.
1-It is still breast cancer...I know that seems weird because it isn't in my breast, but that's what happens when it spreads all over your body.
2-The treatment that is supposed to be working, isn't working.
3-I have to start a new drug that is chemotherapy called Xeloda or Capecitabine.  (what I was on before was considered targeted/hormonal therapy.
4-We are waiting on additional testing of the cancer cells to see what has changed to make them not respond to therapy.
5-I'm not happy about any of it.
6- FIIZ makes things just a little bit better.

So, now I'm just waiting for the insurance company to authorize the use of this drug - it has to come from a specialty pharmacy so there are all kinds of hoops to jump through as is usually the case with insurance companies.  I'm not good at waiting.  I guess this is one of my tests in life that I just can't seem to figure out.  Patience is a virtue...I must not be very virtuous.  :)

Be brave, my heart. Have courage my soul...

Tiffany

That one time I had breast cancer 2.0

I created this blog when I was initially diagnosed with Breast Cancer in March of 2013.  I wanted a place to share my thoughts and the goings-on of my treatment so I didn't have to retell how my day went 27 times.  The funny thing, is that I totally forgot I even created it.  This is a great example of "chemo brain."  I suppose that working full time, being a full time single mom and getting full time cancer treatment hindered me from starting the process.  I wish I would have now....but there is no going back, so I have decided to start recording things - mostly so I have somewhere to get my feelings out, but also as a journal for my kids and family.  I have tried multiple times to write in a journal, but never follow through - it just seems too cumbersome and time consuming to write especially if I have episodes of my favorite shows that need to be watched... :)  Really, I have no excuse except it is becoming more difficult for me to write as my hand turns into a balloon due to the lymphedema I've developed as a result of having a mastectomy followed by 25 rounds of radiation.  This is called "late effects", or all the complications you get following breast cancer treatment.  This is a whole different post though...

So, here we are.  Breast Cancer 2.0.  I was only hoping to know what Breast Cancer 1.0 was - not that anyone hopes to have cancer, but if you have it, you only want it once. I remember the long talk I had with my Oncologist, Dr. Litton very distinctly on April 3, 2013.  He told me that I was still young so they were going to "throw the kitchen sink" at me to get rid of my inflammatory 10cm breast tumor that had turned my world upside down. Hence, the double dense doses of chemo that gave me horrible mouth sores, nausea, vomiting, shingles, fingernails and toenails that fell off, a bald head, blisters on my feet that turned into cellulitis and sloughed off, extreme fatigue, neuropathy, pain, and hot flashes. Next would be a painful surgery to remove my right breast followed by 25 days of radiation that also gave me painful burns that would ooze, bleed and slough off.

 Once my skin had healed I underwent a 9 hour reconstruction surgery that required 12 weeks of recovery.  I think it would have literally been less painful to actually throw a kitchen sink at me when thinking back on this experience.  At the time of diagnosis I was staged at IIIB - which is a skosh away from stage IV -the worst of the worst. At that time having been a pediatric oncology nurse for close to 20 years, I knew this was not ideal.  I remember at the end of the appointment asking "so what happens if I relapse?"  I know I can always get an honest answer out of Dr. Litton.  He doesn't skirt around the issue or ever sugar coat anything - I like that, but sometimes don't want to hear it. He said, the goal of treatment the first time is to cure it.  If it comes back, at that point it is a matter of containing it and the goal is no longer a cure.  That statement stuck out to me like a sore thumb.  I remember thinking "boy, I better not relapse!"  And I had no intentions of it.  After all - breast cancer is very treatable, there is so much research out there and advances that are amazing...there was no way it was coming back.

Fast forward to November 24, 2015 - 2 days before Thanksgiving.  I was meeting with a different Oncologist, Dr. Northfelt at the Mayo Clinic in AZ as I had moved my little family for a new adventure in a different state because my cancer was gone and I wanted to live closer to my sister who has been living in AZ forever. (Robyn if you are reading this, now it is your turn to move back to UT!) I had been coughing on and off for a couple of months, nothing alarming...just a dry annoying cough.  All of a sudden it just got worse.  I let my Oncologist know I was going to see my Primary Care Physician because of this cough and wondered if there might be some type of late effects from the radiation to my chest that would cause asthma or something.  He immediately sent me to get labs for valley fever and a chest xray.....which led to a chest CT,....which let to a PET scan...which told me the cancer was back in my lungs, sternum, several vertebrae, sacrum, pelvis, pubic bone, and hips. This disease in my bones has brought a new level of pain I haven't experienced before.  Surely this wasn't my scan...I was cured...I had moved on with my life, moved my family to a different state, was slowly remembering what it felt like to me normal.  How could this possibly be my scan?  I remember being so mad...angry...livid.  How could I have possibly endured something I thought would break me, and the treatment didn't even work?!?!  I have been so mad at cancer, so mad it was back to infiltrate and infect my life again, so mad that it will shorten my life, so mad that it is something I will have to think about every day for the rest of my life, so mad that it will rob my children of a mother to be here for them, so mad that I have to have more needle sticks, more chemo, more side effects, more fatigue, more of a burden on others.  I'm not the type of person to be mad for very long, but as I type this I realize that I'm still very angry about this situation.  I know my heart will change, it is going to take some time.  I'm so blessed to have so many friends and family members that have been so supportive and helpful, and I'm especially blessed to know that my Savior knows exactly how I feel.  He knows the feeling of my heavy and broken heart. He has suffered every pain I have experienced.  Because of Him I know there will come a time when I won't feel pain anymore and won't have to experience the wonderful side effects from chemotherapy.

Be brave, my heart. Have courage, my soul...

Tiffany