Sleeping With The Enemy

When I first found my tumor it was about 3cm, within the 3 week's time it took to get mammograms, ultrasounds, MRI's, a biopsy and see the Oncologist it grew to 10cm.  It was huge - and I had a lot of anxiety feeling it grow as we were working through starting treatment.  I just wanted this foreign object cut out of my body right away.  Dr. Litton explained that it was too big to resect at that time and we would have to shrink it with chemotherapy first.  It really caused a lot of angst and anxiety for me knowing this cancerous tumor would have to live inside my body...with me.  Even though it took drastic measures - chemo and a mastectomy, it was a relief to have it gone.

When the beast came back I felt that anxiety again, and still do knowing that it is doing it's damage as best it can.  When I lay down at night I joke that I have my own personal symphony orchestrating a new song due to all the wheezing, crackling, and weird noises my lungs make.  Even on good days the noise is still a reminder that I'm sleeping with the enemy.

Last night I was having a dream that I had this incredibly painful feeling in my side and I was yelling "help me, help me."  What I realized as I became conscious, was that I did have a horrible pain on my right side - rib cage area and I was yelling "help me!"  Good thing I didn't wake anyone up.  I was very short of breath, in fact I felt like I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't get comfortable, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't take a deep breath and I couldn't stop coughing. I somehow got through to morning and got up and started my day hoping things would get better.  For some reason I thought mowing the lawn might help - but I realized that might not have been the best idea.  I thought if I just powered through- it would go away. (that is the Christensen mentality after all)  Mowing the lawn definitely wasn't the cure.  I attended my cousin's son's baptism which was awesome because they live in Washington and I hardly ever get to see them.  As I was sitting through the meeting, I could tell I was in trouble. I ended up leaving a little earlier than I wanted to and thought I would go home and lay down, but I found myself at the emergency room instead.  I don't know if you have ever not been able to breathe, but it's a little scary - then you get panicky.. and then you can't breathe even more...and then you get more panicky - you can see where I'm going with this. I didn't want to spend my day in the ED...

I bought myself an IV, labs, chest xray, chest CT with contrast to rule out a clot and a nasal swab to make sure I didn't have some type of flu. My nurse Justin joked that I got "all the prizes" today.  I asked him what the best prize was and he said a turkocet.  I found out this is a turkey sandwich and a percocet.  Hmmm...I wonder why I didn't get that prize?  That sounds better than any of my prizes. :)

Lucky enough to get the xray brought to me...

Not lucky that my xray looked so bad.  This xray plus the results of the CT scan bought me an admission to the hospital for IV antibiotics - I could possibly have pneumonia and they are going to drain the fluid around my lung in the morning.  They also drew blood cultures "just in case".

I met Dr. Call tonight - he is the Oncologist on call that works with Dr. Litton.  He is not convinced I have pneumonia - he thinks it is the cancer. I immediately liked him because I felt the same way. He was super nice and said he thought Dr. Litton's plan was a good one - so then I liked him even better.

This is my room - I'm pretty sure it used to be a very small closet that was converted into a room. I feel like I'm in a shoe box.Literaly the right side of my bed is basically against the wall and the garbage can on the left side of the bed is where the other wall is.  I sure hope I don't code because I'm pretty sure the crash cart wont fit in here.  Hopefully I will be going home tomorrow after they drain my pleural effusion (and you know I can hardly wait for that one again.)  I'm afraid since there is more fluid, they will stick a bigger catheter in this time so it can drain quickly.  I'm not gonna lie...I feel like crying about that!

It's been a long day, and I'm ready for a good night's rest, however we all know there is no sleep when you are in the hospital.  It's 10:45pm and I haven't seen my night nurse yet.  Shift started at 7pm - good thing I can take care of myself...I wonder if I even have a nurse??

Be brave, my heart. Have courage, my soul...

Tiffany